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Why Your Team Will Not Win The Super Bowl

Right now, every NFL fan thinks their team is going to be a Super Bowl contender. Only one team wins every year, so most fans leave the season dejected and deflated. I want to help you out and push you off the ledge and take that cup of kool-aid out of your hand. It’s better to realize now that your team is bad, rather than wait until the playoffs, or if you’re a Lions fan, Week three. Read this and see why your team isn’t going to win the Super Bowl in 2009.

Arizona Cardinals – Your quarterback is nearly a grandpa and you drafted a fragile running back to anchor your backfield. If the injury bug hits, it could devastate worse than the plague.

Atlanta Falcons – Michael Turner aged four years last season by getting more than 370 carries and Matt Ryan isn’t Peyton Manning….yet.

Baltimore Ravens – If you take Derrick Mason out of the line-up, I have more career catches than the rest of the wide-receiving corps combined.

Buffalo Bills – Remember when Marcus Stroud was good? Buffalo fans have no memory of it. The NFL Odds will be stacked against them this year.

Carolina Panthers – You had your chance last season, but Delhomme literally gave the game away. Also, the Panthers have never had back-to-back seasons of over .500 football.

Chicago Bears – You traded two future first-round picks and a neckbeard for a diabetic quarterback. Is it me or does he have a little Jeff George in him?

Cincinnati Bengals – Ask the Chiefs and Cowboys how they did after being on “Hard Knocks.” Also, Chad Ochocinco will have his twitter feed pumped through his helmet by mid-season.

Cleveland Browns – Braylon Edwards can’t catch a pass Josh Cribbs isn’t your answer. Also, your quarterback has been on the cover of Men’s Fitness once every fiscal quarter. How about Brady Quinn spend more time watching film and less working on his abs.

Dallas Cowboys – Jessica Simpson is gone…the jinx is gone! Unfortunately, Wade Phillips is still your coach. Good news, you have a sweet tv above your field.

Denver Broncos – Your quarterback has broken finger and a neckbeard and your #1 receiver hates your city.

Detroit Lions – Let me know when you win a game and then we can think of something witty about you losing a Super Bowl.

Green Bay Packers – Your defensive backs are so old that they probably owned pagers. I remember when they played in college, I did quite a bit of NCAA football betting on the teams that they played for.

Houston Texans – A lot of people are picking your team as a dark horse. They forgot that you have to play the Colts and Titans twice every year.

Indianapolis Colts – Bob Sanders is injured again, I guess you better get Maurice Jones-Drew, Steve Slaton, and Chris Johnson on your fantasy team, they are going to be racking up a lot of yards against the Colts.

Jacksonville Jaguars – If you lose a game and no fan is there to watch it, did you really lose a game? The way that they are selling tickets there, maybe they won’t lose any games this season.

Kansas City Chiefs – Your team still smells like Herm Edwards.

Miami Dolphins – Your team is partially owned by Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony. They sent a memo that the “wildcat” formation will now be known as “El Gato Loco”

Minnesota Vikings – Brett Favre has a torn shoulder and he’ll want to pass on every down. Adrian Peterson might as well line up as the slot receiver.

New England Patriots – Your team traded or forced all of their veterans on defense to retire after last season. You better get used to 49-48 games this season.

New Orleans Saints – They can definitely score points, but let me know when their cornerbacks can cover an NFL receiver.

New York Giants – The last time Mario Manningham caught a pass, he was in college. Now he’s one of your main targets. Good luck with that Giants fans.

New York Jets – New coach, rookie quarterback, old running back, weak receiving corps…Super Bowl Champions! Mike Greenberg’s head would explode, leaving a thick film of hair gel on everything.

Oakland Raiders – Maybe if Tom Cable took some of that aggression and punched some of his players in the face, they would win some games.

Philadelphia Eagles – Your quarterback looks like he has gained 20 pounds and he’s very thin-skinned. The fans are already chanting Michael Vick’s name, I’m sure McNabb can handle it, right?

Pittsburgh Steelers – Your team has the most obnoxious fanbase of any team. No matter what I say here, you’re still going to be crazy. So go wave your yellow blankies and drink your Iron City beer.

San Diego Chargers – It’s not good when you’re star linebacker is choking bi-sexual asian women.

San Francisco 49ers – Mike Singletary is a scary man, the Niners will be pissing themselves if they drop a pass or miss an assignment. I would recommend wearing a diaper under your jock strap.

Seattle Seahawks – Jim Mora Jr. is your head coach. That’s not the better and more entertaining Jim Mora. Remember when Jim Mora Jr. called on a cell phone during a game? He’s clueless.

St. Louis Rams – They let their best player leave, Torry Holt, and they still have no quarterback.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Someone should tell them that you can only play one quarterback at a time, so there is no need to have that many on your roster.

Tennessee Titans – Kerry Collins is an old man and your back-up still has his tail between his legs from an interception he threw last season.

Washington Redskins – Was Jim Zorn ready to be a head coach? I think I know at least 53 guys who wouldn’t think so.

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A Sports & Entertainment blog that focuses on absurdity in sports, snarky banter, updates on Tim Tebow’s virginity, and decent sports gambling advice.