Hockey Talk: Preseason Edition

florida panthers hello kitty logo nhlJoe Pasquali and Eddie Theisen are two die hard hockey fans.

Even in the midst of football starting and baseball gearing up for the postseason, these two idiots find time to talk about a sport that only Canadians and alcoholics care about, hockey. They now live together, but still find time each morning to catch up and sort of discuss the NHL.

This is their conversation.

Joe: You alive?

Eddie: Haha, yeah. Monday I got too drunk so I stayed at my friend’s house and then last night I went to my buddy Eric’s house and once again passed out there.

Joe: Well, glad you are OK. Any idea why our house has smelled like fish for two days?

Eddie: The guy upstairs has about 13 cats. Probably a lot of tuna

Joe: Maybe. I don’t know. I kept waking up bothered by the smell and kept searching the house for the smell, thinking maybe someone played a prank on us or something. We may need to employ the services of Johan the Cat to find the smell.

Eddie: I would, but my mom would freak if her cat went missing. Speaking of things that are terrible, how about that Florida Panthers attendance Monday?

Sad Florida Panthers NHL Preseason Attendence

Joe: Can you actually call that attendance? I mean, at the end of the day don’t people actually have to BE there for your event to have attendance? Was the final count zero?

Eddie: First seven fans in the gate got a free Tim Thomas bobblehead.

Joe: So, if we show up to the next game, do we get one too?

Eddie: The Panthers will be sold within the next month, so I don’t know if the new owners will have a carry over.

Joe: Was that the Panthers logo last year? Are they owned by Dos Equis now? “I don’t always lose hockey games, but when I do no one is watching. Stay thirsty my friends.”

Eddie: This is rumored to be the new Panthers logo when the new ownership takes over. (see: photo above)

Joe: As a longtime Panthers supporter, I approve this direction. We need to tap into the Asian market since this one isn’t working.

Eddie: If you want to tap the Asian market, look no further than the Vancouver Canucks.

Angry Asian Vancouver Canucks Fan RIOT

Joe: RIOT!! Man, I miss hockey season. Are you ready for the 2013-14 season? What do you think are the biggest story lines so far this summer?

Eddie: I’d have to say the whole Daniel Alfredsson leaving Ottawa debacle, possible new rules to the season like hybrid icing and Phil Kessel, Dion Phaneuf and Henrik Lundqvist not being re-signed yet to their respective clubs.

Joe: Alfredsson leaving his beloved Ottawa was a surprise, and I know we both like him coming to our Red Wings. I don’t think it makes Detroit a favorite to come out of their division, but they should make the playoffs.

Hot Hendrik Lundqvist NHLEddie: I like Alfredsson in Detroit, but we’ll have to wait and see if he’s worth the $5.5 million cap hit at age 41. I’d rather the NHL stick with touch icing, but if they’re going to change it, change it to hybrid at least. The NHL should never resort to no-touch icing

Joe: I guess I can agree with you on that. Out of the players not being re-signed, the Lundqvist thing makes zero sense to me. Zero. There is talk that he may halt negotiations altogether if they become a distraction during the season. I think this is a bad move for the Rangers and Lundqvist. We have seen goalies in the past all of the sudden go to shit for no reason whatsoever. Just somehow lose their mojo and return to human form (see: Jean-Sébastien Giguére). I am not saying this will happen here, but if you are Lundqvist you need to GET PAID. And if you are the Rangers, you need to lock up your best player.

Eddie: You can’t really blame Henrik, though. If he doesn’t believe he can win a Cup in New York then why re-sign? Even if he has a bad year with the Rangers he’s still going to get paid on the open market come July. Anaheim, Philadelphia, Tampa Bay and Washington could all use Lundqvist’s services and in my opinion have the same chances of winning a cup as New York.

Joe: Do you think Hendrik is the best goalie on the planet? I think we can both agree, he is the best looking goalie on the planet. Dude is studly. (*editor’s note*: Things just got weird)

Eddie: Jonathan Quick, Tuukkaa Rask and Pekka Rinne are the only ones that can make a case against Lundqvist. I do think Lundqvist and Quick tie for best lookin goalie in the league

Ugly Mike RicciJoe: (see photo)

Eddie: Lundqvist is no Mike Ricci, but he’s definitely a stud.

Joe: What a hideous creature. You and I both got pretty upset at The Hockey News and their top 50 players in the league. Let’s examine it again for those who didn’t see it.

  1. Sidney Crosby – Pittsburgh Penguins
  2. Alex Ovechkin – Washington Capitals
  3. Steven Stamkos – Tampa Bay Lightning
  4. Erik Karlsson – Ottawa Senators
  5. John Tavares – New York Islanders
  6. Jonathan Toews – Chicago Blackhawks
  7. Evgeni Malkin – Pittsburgh Penguins
  8. Patrick Kane – Chicago Blackhawks
  9. Patrice Bergeron – Boston Bruins
  10. Drew Doughty – Los Angeles Kings
  11. Pavel Datsyuk – Detroit Red Wings
  12. Martin St. Louis – Tampa Bay Lightning
  13. Jonathan Quick – Los Angeles Kings
  14. Duncan Keith – Chicago Blackhawks
  15. Zdeno Chara – Boston Bruins
  16. Claude Giroux – Philadelphia Flyers
  17. Ryan Suter – Minnesota Wild
  18. Jeff Carter – Los Angeles Kings
  19. Jason Spezza – Ottawa Senators
  20. Taylor Hall – Edmonton Oilers
  21. Jordan Staal – Carolina Hurricanes
  22. Anze Kopitar – Los Angeles Kings
  23. P.K. Subban – Montreal Canadiens
  24. Henrik Lundqvist – New York Rangers
  25. Kris LeTang – Pittsburgh Penguins
  26. Henrik Zetterberg – Detroit Red Wings
  27. Shea Weber – Nashville Predators
  28. Logan Couture – San Jose Sharks
  29. Zach Parise – Minnesota Wild
  30. Corey Perry – Anaheim Ducks
  31. Tuukka Rask – Boston Bruins
  32. Marian Hossa – Chicago Blackhwaks
  33. Ryan Getzlaf – Anaheim Ducks
  34. Jordan Eberle – Edmonton Oilers
  35. Sergei Bobrovsky – Columbus Blue Jackets
  36. Craig Anderson – Ottawa Sentors
  37. Milan Lucic – Boston Bruins
  38. Corey Crawford – Chicago Blackhawks
  39. Thomas Vanek – Buffalo Sabres
  40. Jamie Benn – Dallas Stars
  41. Phil Kessel – Toronto Maple Leafs
  42. Alex Pietrangelo – St. Louis Blues
  43. David Krejci – Boston Bruins
  44. Henrik Sedin – Vancouver Canucks
  45. Daniel Sedin – Vancouver Canucks
  46. David Backes – St. Louis Blues
  47. Keith Yandle – Phoenix Coyotes
  48. Carey Price – Montreal Canadiens
  49. Mike Smith – Phoenix Coyotes
  50. Niklas Kronwall – Detroit Red Wings

Joe: My most shocking rank has to be Malkin at #7.

Eddie: Malkin is easily top-3 and possibly the second best player in the league behind Crosby.

Joe: I think Taveres is awesome, but too high at #5. Kane isn’t better than Datsyuk, and Duncan Keith at #14 is a joke.

Eddie: I don’t see how Tavares can be fifth while Toews is sixth? Kane actually has a case against Datsyuk, but I still give him the edge. The most disturbing ranking of this list is Shea Weber at freaking #27. They consider him the eighth best defenseman in the league? I just…Shea Weber is the second best defenseman in the league behind Chara? Karlsson and Letang are more offensive threats than actual defenseman.

SedinTwinsFunnyMemeNHLVancouverCanucksJoe: They ranked the Sedins at #44 and #45 because no one can seperate them? Also, Petrangelo is better than the Sedins? Petrangelo made the top 50? Mike Smith made the top 50? Is Mike Smith even in the top 50 of hockey players in the state of Arizona?

Eddie: If I had to pick between the Sedins and Pieterangelo, I’d take Pieterangelo. What world are you living in Joe? You don’t think Pieterangelo is a top 50 player? I do agree with you on Mike Smith. I don’t know how the hell this guy is in the top 50 list. I still think Shane Doan is twice as good as Smith will ever be

Joe: Because I thought this was a list of best players in the league now, not who could be the best in a few years. Sorry, Alex Peterangelo isn’t to me in the top 50 of the league. I think he is really good, but not there yet. David Backes just made the list too I don’t think he is top 50 either. Maybe I just hate St. Louis players because they bore me.

Eddie: Pieterangelo is top 10 defenseman in the league. He’s on the same level as Oliver Ekman-Larsson of Phoenix, who was unjustifiably snubbed from the list. Though they added his Coyotes teammate Keith Yandle? This list is good for one thing, wiping your ass.

Joe: That reminds me, we need toilet paper at the house…and cookies…pick up cookies.

Eddie: I’ll make sure to buy the kind with no resealable top

Joe: How do those still exist? Really? How do cookie companies make containers that don’t have resealable tops? When our society makes something that is a groundbreaking advancement that makes a product better, everyone should adapt to it. It is like if one car company decided not to put airbags in their cars. [*editor’s note* – We love Chips Ahoy!…(blatant attempt to get free cookies)]

Eddie: It’s like going to Taco Bell and not getting a Chalupa. It makes no sense.

Joe: Damn, I am getting hungry. Give me five things you would rather be doing than be at the Panthers @ Stars preseason game tonight. Go!

Eddie: I’d actually love to go to that game tonight. It’s the hipster preseason game of the night.

Joe: Over/under 8,000 in attendance?

Eddie: 2,437

Joe: Haha, I bet they get at least 5,000

Eddie: No way. Stars preseason game against Florida? This has IHL3 attendance written all over it.

Joe: What are we betting? Name it

Eddie: A #11 from Jimmy Johns that the attendance is lower than 5,000. [*editor’s note* – We love Jimmy John’s! (blatant attempt to get free sandwiches)]


Joe: Damn, stakes are high. OK, Deal. Well, I am heading to lunch, what are you getting into tonight?

Eddie: Got a bottle of Seagrams 7 in the car.

Joe: So, maybe I will see you by Friday? In your drunken stupor, don’t forget the toilet paper and cookies.

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