NHL Talk: Dziurzynski, Zamboni Rides & Breakfast Cereal

lucky charmsTwo hockey guys talking hockey.

Joe Pasquali and Eddie Theisen are two die-hard NHL fans. They both watch every hockey game, every night (almost).

The guys talk about Dziurzynski getting knocked the f*ck out, if certain AHL teams could beat their NHL affiliate, paid zamboni rides, and which breakfast cereal is the all-time best.

My favorite cereal is a mixture of Apple Cinnamon Cheerios & Cinnamon Toast Crunch. If a Cereality store was near me, I’d weigh 400 pounds.

This is their email conversation the following morning.

Final Scores from 3/5/13          Final Scores from 3/6/13
TBL 5, NJD 2                                    TOR 5, OTT 4
NYI 6, MTL 3                                    CHI 3, COL 2
WSH 4, BOS 3 F/OT                         CGY 4, SJS 1 
CAR 4, BUF 3                                   ANA 2, PHX 0
NYR 4, PHI 2
FLA 4, WPG 1
DET 2, COL 1
CHI 5, MIN 3
LAK 6, STL 4

Pasquali: Mornin’, Eddie! How are you?

Theisen: Pretty good, definitely feeling better than David Dziurzynski.

Pasquali: You don’t usually see knock out blows in hockey fights, but holy hell. McLaren caught him flush on the chin. That was Dziurzynski’s first fight of his young NHL career. Will it be his last?

Theisen: Could be, my least favorite part about this is it was a staged fight. These two had no reasoning for going at it. I understand they were going at it early to get their team’s momentum going, but these two didn’t have to fight and then Dziurzynski gets dangerously knocked out.

Pasquali: They said after the game he had a concussion and no idea when he would be cleared to play again, could be a while. The night only got worse for Ottawa as they ended up losing to Toronto 5-4. Phil Kessel had a goal and two assists and JVR got his 13th tally of the season. Don’t look now but Toronto has won three straight and is currently the five seed!

Theisen: We’re talking about the Maple Leafs though. This is where Toronto always chokes. Down the important stretch they’ll rack up a nice 7-13-1 record and miss the playoffs. Not saying it’s gonna happen this year, just don’t think they’re safe yet. I’d put Ottawa to make the playoffs over them, even with all of their injuries.

Pasquali: Since we didn’t get to talk hockey yesterday, we have to talk about some of Tuesday’s games, namely Washington’s comeback on Boston. Down 3-0 and climbing back to win 4-3 in OT, holy hell.

Theisen: I wouldn’t look too much into that one. As you can see Boston dominated the Caps in the first period and then you can tell were just trying finish the game out. You obviously can’t do that to any team in the NHL, and the Caps deserved the 2 points they got. I’d chalk it up to the Bruins playing the opponent.

Pasquali: You have to admit Washington is playing better, I mean they couldn’t have been playing any worse. Also, Columbus beat the woeful Oilers and are now just 3 points out of 14th place! I wish hockey was like soccer in that teams got relegated to lower leagues. Edmonton, Colorado, and Columbus would be fighting to avoid the AHL.

Theisen: I know me too. Could you imagine though if the Maple Leafs finished dead last and the Toronto Marlies of the AHL came up to the NHL.

Pasquali: I don’t think people would have the heart to throw waffles at the Marlies. If you went by soccer style relegation (bottom 3 teams in league get relegated, top 3 teams of AHL move up) the NHL would lose Columbus, Florida (NOOOOOO) and Washington. But we would gain the Syracuse Crunch, Texas Stars, and Springfield Falcons.


Theisen: So, the Columbus Blue Jackets would go to the AHL and their prospects and affiliate Springfield Falcons would come to the AHL. I bet they could win more games than the actual Blue Jackets roster, too.

Pasquali: It’s possible. Scary moment Tuesday night with New York’s Marc Staal taking a puck to the face. People who have never played hockey don’t realize how much getting hit by a puck really hurts, especially in the head.

Theisen: Timmonen can rip the puck too. Glad to see Staal will recover from this without any permanent damage. Those can sometimes be career threatening. Look at Chris Pronger a while ago. Gets Phil Kessel’s stick in the eye from a shot and hasn’t played a game since. Safe to say Pronger is soon to retire.

Pasquali: On the subject of pain and suffering…. 21-0-3. Eddie, I have had multiple people text me during Hawks games with concern over your testicles. They have gained every record possible to open a season, point streak, and now they broke their own franchise win streak. It is safe to say Chicago is winning now strictly just to see you get kicked in the balls. What did you do to piss God/Jonathan Toews off?

Theisen: Well, it obviously comes from the heckling I have given them at the 7 or so Hawks vs Red Wings games I’ve been to. They remembered my face and tracked down who I was, they saw my post about the 25 games and made it their team mission to cause me pain and suffering. Also, Patrick Kane cannot be happy with my fantasy hockey league name (Taxicab Kanefessions) and that’s why he tied it up late against Detroit Sunday. My balls are about to be throbbing… and not in a good way.

Pasquali: Have you thought about penance? Possible good deeds to try and sway karma/voodoo/whatever in your favor to allow this event to not happen? Tomorrow night, Chicago at Colorado. The optimist in me is saying “Hey, Colorado played them tough on the road. They are going to go back to the always hostile (haha) Pespi Center and put a hurting on Chicago.

Theisen: Yeah, that barely 80% filled Pepsi Center can be a tough place to play. Of course it comes down to the biggest two rivals in Detroit’s history for my nuts to be saved. I also hate bandwagons of any sort. I don’t do good deeds or try to get karma on my side ever, so why would I try to do it now? That’s just jumping on a bandwagon for personal gain Joe.

Pasquali: I think it is in the Bible (in the back somewhere) that when your junk is in jeopardy integrity can be thrown out the window.

Theisen: I’d rather take a shot to the nuts like a man than be some sell out punk. Hipster morals.

Pasquali: When you are lying on the ground, writhing in pain, I’ll make sure to ask you how manly you feel. Tuesday New Jersey lost to Tampa Bay 5-2 and their funk seems to be continuing. Recently we chalked the Devils up as one of the elites in the Eastern Conference, but they are 2-6-2 in their last ten and have fallen to 7th place.

Theisen: There’s one reason they’re not winning. Martin Brodeur. You really expect this team to win with Johan Hedberg? This team has relied on Brodeur for almost 20 years now, and it’s no different today. They have a decent core of skaters, but it all boils down to Brodeur. Devils fans are especially not happy about this. Hedberg has played all of their 2-6-2 stretch. His nickname is “The Moose” and this is what fans think of him right now.


Pasquali: Hahaha love it. Oh hey, just found out today is National Cereal Day. Do you enjoy cereal, Edward?

Theisen: Of course I do, the best are Lucky Charms, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Frosted Flakes and Golden Grahams.

Pasquali: Wow, I was going to say my favorites are Charms, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and Flakes as well…. scary. I also enjoy the occasional Fruity Pebbles. You would have been in heaven last weekend. My friend Zach made an amazing dessert; it was essentially a giant piece of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. He bruleed a piece of bread and served it in a bowl of milk with fruit.


Theisen: Sounds disgustingly delicious. I was never huge on the Cap’n Crunch. Always seemed to slice your gums and cut the roof of your mouth.

Pasquali: It is the most dangerous breakfast food out there. Did your parents ever have Total? That may have been my least favorite cereal ever. I wouldn’t even call it cereal. I would call it cardboard inside of cardboard. Totally crap.

Theisen: Never really ate it because like you said, it tasted like shit. Raisin bran was a good alternative. Two scoops, bitch.


Pasquali: Meh, I stayed away from that too because those California Raisins sort of creeped me out as a kid.

California Raisons Cartoons

Theisen: Haha. Yes!

Pasquali: So, I am not the only one that was creeped out by them?

Theisen: I enjoyed them. The looked like pieces of shit, but still tasty.

Pasquali: So, your urge to eat something will overrule its visual aesthetic?

Theisen: Yes.

Pasquali: OK, fair enough. Big hockey games tonight, a ton on the slate. Pittsburgh v Philly is ALWAYS entertaining. Toronto and Boston are both playing well, both original six teams. And oh man, Florida @ Washington. Battle of relegation candidates. What more could you ask for?!

Theisen: 11 games tonight and it’s a pretty good lineup. Toronto vs Boston, Philly vs Pitt and St Louis vs Coyotes are my compelling matchups tonight. Florida vs Washington can literally go jump off a bridge.

Pasquali: Whoa, hey now. Don’t be hating. You would go tell Washington their sort of attractive Red Rockers to jump off a bridge? Red Rockers is the best name they could come up with for their cheerleaders? Jamie’s dream vacation is to go to Australia, because she wants to see some kangaroos! How sweet….

Theisen: Well, Ashley’s favorite job ever was “I worked at a hot dog stand!”… one can only assume what that means.

(*editor’s note*) Insert Dirty Joke Here

Pasquali: Time for today’s random NHL Auction item. How many Arby’s Roast Beef sandwiches would you exchange for this Kelowna Rockets Shea Weber Jersey?


Theisen: Definitely a good 32 Beef ‘n Cheddars. May stretch it to 36.

Pasquali: Pretty sharp, I’d say. What about THIS jersey?


Theisen: Now that’s worth about 500 Doritos Locos Tacos. I think you’d have to pay me to do this. Why would you ever spend $500 for this?


Pasquali: Would they make you sign a waiver first? You know, in the probable chance other Flyers fans throw batteries at you or something.

Theisen: They would just sneak you through the secret tunnel they have connected to the holiday inn… the Philly fans are brutal.

Pasquali: Well, I am out of here, any big plans for you tonight, Eddie?

Theisen: Probably drink some beer, watch some hockey and eat some Lucky Charms

Pasquali: Magically delicious
Pasquali’s Picks (season so far 126-111)

Bruins over Leafs
Devils over Sabres
Rangers over Islanders
Penguins over Flyers
Capitals over Panthers
Canadiens over Hurricanes
Canucks over Blue Jackets
Lightning over Jets
Red Wings over Oilers
Coyotes over Blues
Kings over Stars
Theisen’s Picks (season so far 127-110)

Bruins over Leafs
Devils over Sabres
Rangers over Islanders
Flyers over Penguins
Capitals over Panthers
Hurricanes over Canadiens
Blue Jackets over Canucks
Lightning over Jets
Red Wings over Oilers
Coyotes over Blues
Kings over Stars

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